Originally by The Beatles

Wild Horses- The Sundays

I’m peaking out through the glass door of the apartment building my mom was living in at the time. I can see the bright red car and long blue canoe strapped to the top of the car making it’s way up the hill.

I jump in my dad’s car, I can smell his double-double Tim Horton’s coffee and to no surprise, my hot chocolate is awaiting me, along with a Boston cream donut on the dash.

I hit number 12 on the CD player- Wild Horses by the Sundays. I can still to this day listen to this song and go right back to the moments of driving with my dad and just completely zoned into the song. I felt free from the hard moments that surrounded me. Arm out the window feeling the cool air between my fingers, feeling so light almost as if I were flying.

Weekends were always the best, If my dad didn’t have me at the pond fishing we were probably at the park or out in the sailboat cruising the Halifax Harbour. I can still smell the salt water when walking downtown on the boardwalk, and the delicious smelling seafood cooking nearby, along with fresh waffle cones baking at Moo’s Moo’s ice cream. Yes I know, sounds terrible but it’s home to me!

The memories are so clear to me, I hope to never let them fade away in the back on my head getting lost in the bad ones. Because what good really comes from thinking of the bad times in your past, focus on the happy ones and you will never lose sight of them.


The red car and blue canoe.

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The Day I changed

I was just twenty-two when the test read two pink lines. I cried thinking what good will I give a baby when I hardly have my own shit together? I smiled thinking of you with a cute little nose, what your smile would look like, and how your laugh would sound.

Weeks seem to drag on when you have been constantly throwing up and can’t even move from the couch, ahh the blessing of pregnancy becoming a couch potato. I didn’t have what you call “Morning sickness” I was 24/7 for two straight weeks with my head in a bucket. After I was finally starting to feel more like myself and hold down a glass of water and soda crackers. Weeks turned into months, and I knew I had to find a job before I began to show, A little too late because I already had a bump, but I still have to try right? It’s the responsible thing to do.

I applied for a waitress position in the town I was living, I thought hey, great exercise keeps me moving and on my feet, time will fly! I was thankful that in the interview I was able to leave my coat on and was hired on the spot. Okay so now I’m really doing this, I’m having a baby, I now have a job to support my baby, Holy shit… I’m having a baby.

I worked my ass off the summer of 2016, I was proud to say I could move around easily and I felt great. Donuts and anything with lemon became my everyday cravings, serving lemon meringue pie to almost every 3rd customer was a huge struggle for me I will willingly admit this.

I can say my pregnancy went very smoothly, no complications, and most important Lily was healthy and bright.


November 11th, 2016
11:42 pm
6Lbs 11 ounces.
Lily Audrey.

A girl!, That’s all I heard when you were practically thrown in my arms. You didn’t even make a sound Lily, You seemed so content and already so brave for this cold world. You showed me the light, you helped me understand who I was, You changed me Lily from that very first moment I held you. Nothing else in this world matters to me but you.

I will always love you more.

Broken

But you see that’s the hardest part

Loving with every piece of yourself

Giving them your soul, your mind, your heart

For them to throw you at a wall and shatter like a glass vase

I’m picking up pieces of myself

Finding my way through this darkness

There is a light

I just can’t see it yet.